Alone, like no one gets you. At one point we've all felt that. Lost, wandering off to nowhere. I feel that, it's a quest to think and feel. To give yourself this idea of what you are or what you're supposed to be. Suppose? another word for what if's?
There are days when I feel away from the world. Like there's no connection. There isn't a single person who understands how I feel. They try but it's not good enough. An ex struggled with this. He could see me fade, I felt I was fading slowly then rapidly. He held on but some things are meant to fade and I knew that. I wanted to fade away, to disappear. Why? To feel. There are days I lack that because subconsciously the concept of feeling was in doubt. I question everything is this love? is this pleasure? is this desire? is this happiness? How come it doesn't add up? How come I feel that this isn't it?
How can I authentically feel anything if I doubt it so much?I guess that's is why when I look at the mirror I see nothing. I smile, sometimes I feel life and sometimes its not real.
There's this image I love and posted on my FB as my profile picture. Let me show it to you.
I fell in love with this. A lone boat in white, at sea alone without anyone rowing it. There could be a story here, maybe the rower died of dehydration, or maybe the boat just sailed away or maybe the rower dived into the water and drowned. Truthfully, I never really cared, but the image was me. I am that boat and I have no one rowing for me, in an empty sea here I was, alone. I wasn't waiting to be rowed but I know I'm waiting for something. I'll look at this for hours and feel at peace, thinking whoever took this understood how I felt.
I'm chatty when I'm with people, but most of the time I am that boat. Sometimes I get lonely waiting so I try hard to connect with people. I am guilty of that, trying so hard to feel. It becomes unnatural. But it gets frustrating and I find myself lost and crazy. That's when the need of being with people arise. But once I'm with people I feel like that boat again.
It's a weird place to be in. I keep wondering why? Why can't I just be like everyone else? They seem to be pleased with what they know.
But there are also days, I feel happy there are days when I'm sure I feel something. And when those days come by, I hold on to it like it was the last. Recently I felt that, when I was at a balcony in a hotel room in Tagaytay. I sat there read my book and saw the clouds parade before me. I felt like a kid again, lost in my imagination. I saw the clouds transform into animals, people, flowers and floats of colors and spectacle. They marched and sang and waved at me as they passed by. The sun added the light that made the floats shine like the sea.
That made my day, I still hold on to that till this day. It keeps me going.
And then of course I feel so much when I'm around my kids. I see them dance and hope. Sometimes I imagine them as tiny ballerinas floating with pirouettes.And I'm one of the audience, I sit in this huger theater and watch them dance. I cry because the feeling is overwhelming.
These are the days I feel that feelings are random that I don't have any conscious effort. But after sometime when I'm away and alone I start to question it again.
I guess there's no answer to everything. Maybe we're nothing. But at the end I still want to know what I'm waiting for. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I want to be here because I want to know what living means.
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